What Does the Bible Say About Divorce? (2)
How can we prevent divorce in marriage, even in toxic marriages?
We have seen biblical precepts on divorce; essentially, what the Lord Jesus taught about marriage. We now turn our attention to the circumstance of an abusive marriage and how to prevent divorce among Christians.
What is an abusive marriage?
An abusive marriage can be broadly defined as a marriage in which one spouse constantly demeans the other by verbally or emotionally abusing or assaulting them or physically hitting or striking them with their fist or some other object. In an abusive marriage, the abuser constantly torments the abused spouse and threatens them with more harm should they dare leave the marriage. Such marriages are termed ‘toxic’!
Many husbands are generally seen as abusers in a marriage. Yet, some wives are abusive, both verbally and physically. Therefore, ascribing abusers in marriage to be husbands only is a misnomer and would suggest that wives are being given a pass. Furthermore, let me clarify that we are not discussing gender issues but marital issues, which cover both genders.
So, what happens to those in abusive marriages?
The argument on divorce among Christians grew strongest recently in Nigeria, when a woman, allegedly beaten by her husband, succumbed to her injuries and later died in hospital. Many believed that the woman should have left the marriage because of the abuse.
In the case of abuse in a marriage, we could view it as a situation in which one spouse—the abuser—is unwilling to stay in the marriage; otherwise, why the abuse? In such a case, the abused spouse could seek a separation from the abusive spouse until harmony can be restored!
The Bible envisages an unwilling spouse, who would not be a Christian, seeking a divorce in an ideal situation. But abuse in a marriage is not an ideal situation. It is a situation in which one spouse may, in fact, be enjoying the abuse while the other is miserable. If the abused spouse is to seek a separation in such a circumstance, it should be temporary and not permanent! Also, the abused spouse must have sought intervention from family and the church. It is also expected that they would have sought the face of God before deciding on separation, even if it is temporary!
Though an abused spouse may choose to be separated from their abusive spouse, the abused spouse should not remarry. They are to remain single until the abusive spouse dies—of course, one would expect that it will not be at the hands of the abused spouse nor by their instigation.
The question may be asked, “What if the abuser remarries?” Speaking about two Christians in an abusive marriage, it is clear that the abuser is not sanctified or has backslidden. One would, therefore, not expect the abuser to remain unmarried. However, the general principle of remaining separated until the abuser is deceased should hold for the abused spouse. Specifically, the abused spouse in such a case should seek God’s face on the matter and act based on God’s counsel. Let me state that hearing from a man of God, no matter how highly placed, is not advised—you should be hearing from God directly. Any word from a third party, including a man of God, must be a confirmation of what God has already told you!
So, what must we do to forestall divorce in a Christian marriage?
When Jesus spoke about God’s intention of no divorce in marriage and His disciples were flabbergasted, the Lord went on to tell them that only eunuchs could keep away from being married. It is human nature to seek companionship and intercourse with the opposite sex. Therefore, the need for marriage because, for a Christian, sexual intercourse is not permitted outside marriage (1 Corinthians 7:1-2)!
The Bible intimates that if the foundations of societal fabric are destroyed, the righteous can do nothing! (Psalm 11:3). If we are to forestall divorce in Christian marriages, we must get it right from the beginning. This means that, first and foremost, we understand that marriage is of God and not from the elders or the world. Indeed, marriage is considered God’s second major work after Creation (Genesis 2:18-25). With this understanding, to forestall marriage dissolutions by Christians, the following should be taken into account:
1. Christians must seek for their spouse from God. Let us pray to God and ask Him to show us who to marry. We must be convinced beyond doubt about who God wants us to marry. After all, God told Hosea, a prophet, to marry a prostitute (Hosea 1:2). And though she continued in prostitution during the marriage, God did not ask Hosea to divorce her (Hosea 3). Hosea’s marriage was a sign of God’s perpetual marriage to Isreal! The same goes for the Christian in marriage—it is perpetual; until one person departs this world in death!
Scriptures such as
He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the LORD. (Proverbs 18:22, NKJV)
have been bandied by some Christians claiming that they have to find a wife! As laudable as that may be, one wonders how a person can find a wife without divine direction and leading? Thus, the Holy Spirit speaks of obtaining favour from the LORD to find a wife. And He also teaches that:
Houses and riches are an inheritance from fathers, But a prudent wife is from the LORD. (Proverbs 19:14, NKJV)
The truth is that only God can give a person a wife indeed!
2. The man and his wife must be sanctified. Sanctification is not optional. Without sanctification, you cannot live as God intends. Without sanctification, you will be like the people who Moses gave the concession to divorce because they could not heed the word of God. Sanctification purges us of our old sin-loving nature and gives us a new God-loving life which delights in obeying God (Ezekiel 11:18-20; 1 Thessalonians 4:1-8).
3. We must understand that marriage is far more than sexual satisfaction and having children. It is important to appreciate that God brings two people together in marriage to fulfil God’s purpose on the earth. You will recall that we noted that Hosea’s marriage was to show God’s plan of a perpetual union with the nation of Isreal. Part of the unity of the man and his wife is a unity of purpose in Christ! Thus, to have a marriage outside of Christ will most likely be problematic. It should be noted that some marriages contracted without Christ have endured, as there are some marriages contracted in Christ that have failed—usually because of the hardness of heart!
4. You must understand that Satan will attack your marriage, but you must not succumb to his plottings. When you are faced with difficulty in marriage, instead of recoursing to family and friends, go to God in prayer and tell Him what the issue is. He will give you a word and a way to deal with the situation. The Holy Spirit tells us to
submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded. (James 4:7-8, NKJV)
As we draw near to God in submission, He will make a way where there seems to be no way!
5. Wives must follow the scriptural injunction to submit to their husbands, and husbands must follow the scriptural precept to love their wives unconditionally. It should be noted that submission is not to be coerced; rather, it is to be voluntarily done by the wife, just as Christ submitted to the Father, though they are equal (Philippians 2:5-8). Likewise, the husband must love his wife as Christ loves the church and gave His life for her (Ephesians 5:25-28).
6. Christians in marriage must learn that Christianity has its own culture and cannot be lived outside of the power and grace of God. Only sanctified persons can truly live as God wants the Christian to live. They must, therefore, seek to glorify God in all that they do in their lives and home.
7. Christian wives should remember the injunction in Proverbs 14:1 and not wittingly or unwittingly tear down their home with their own hands. God has given you a home, so do all in your power to maintain it. Ask God for wisdom, and like the wise woman, you will build your home! Honour your husband (Proverbs 31:10-31).
8. Christian husbands must love their wives—not just the submissive wife, but especially the stubborn wife.
Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them. (Colossians 3:19, NKJV)
The Holy Spirit makes no distinction about whether the wife is recalcitrant, obnoxious, etc. He simply instructs that husbands should love their wives! And there is a reward for conducting oneself aright:
Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered. (1 Peter 3:7, NKJV)
An unhindered prayer is a reward every Christian should crave. It can be frustrating not to have your prayers heard by God. Thus, husbands should love their wives as themselves:
So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. (Ephesians 5:28-29, NKJV)
9. Christian marriage mimicks the relationship between Christ and the church. When husbands read about how Christ cares for the church, they can see how they are to care for their wives. Even when we sin against Christ, He forgives and receives us back to Himself. Husbands should likewise forgive their wives when they err and not hold grudges. Wives should observe how the church responds to Christ to learn and know how they ought to respond to their husbands with respect. (Ephesians 5:22-33)
10. Let us be minded that God is unequivocal against divorce. Therefore, let us make up our minds that come what may, we will not divorce our spouse. However, where it becomes inevitable that the marriage is toxic, separation cannot but occur. Let us, nonetheless, be minded to remain unmarried afterwards while waiting for God to do His work in both of you.
Conclusion
Finally, let us note that marriage requires a lot of work from both the man and his wife. It takes a lot to make two completely different people become one. And here, we are speaking of two people with different backgrounds, cultures, exposures, education, experiences, emotions, etc. The two becoming one requires forgoing your ambitions, desires, plans, etc., and agreeing to pursue one vision—the vision of God for you both.
There is a cost to divorce, which we have not taken the time to address. However, it is pertinent to note that divorce comes at a price that includes trauma to the children and emotional trauma to both parties, especially the one being divorced. There is also the monetary aspect of alimony and child support, which can be very pricey!
Please leave your comments or questions in the comments section if you have any. God bless you.